After finding myself planning a wedding with a terminally ill parent, I immediately turned to Google and searched “Planning a wedding with a terminally ill parent.” This was when I realized there were not that many resources out there on how to handle this situation. A few threads on how others handled it but no concrete steps on what is the right way to go about this.
Here are some do’s and don’t that I found along the way on how to plan a wedding with a terminally ill parent:
Related post: On My Father Passing Away On My Wedding Day
Wedding Planning with a Terminally Ill Parent Do’s
Do consider alternative plans.
I think the biggest thing to consider is if you should cancel, postpone, or move forward with your wedding plans. My fiance and I’s biggest goal was to have my dad there, so we went ahead with a #Minimony where just our immediate family was present, and did the dang thing, while still keeping our plans for our big wedding. Do what’s best for your budget, your time frame, and your family.
Do ask them their opinions on what they would like to see for your wedding.
When planning a wedding with a terminally ill parent, ask them for their opinions on things. It might be as small as they want a specific food served, or a certain song played for them. Take their wishes into consideration and try your best to honor those without it taking over your wedding vision. That way their touch will be included even if they cannot make it.
Do remember your partner’s family.
It is very easy to get wrapped up in the needs of the family with the terminally ill parents, which is absolutely fine. Make sure you do things that both families feel a part of. It is their child’s big day as well. Most families will be gracious and accommodating, but you might be prompted to make rash decisions and it wouldn’t be fair to not include your partner’s family.
Communicate your worst fears.
It’s devastating when someone you care about deeply is taken away from you—no matter how joyful getting married can be, it doesn’t negate your fears around the situation. Working through fears, concerns, and frustrations before getting married will not only make the wedding planning less stressful but will allow you to move forward with a more clear and strategic plan.
Wedding Planning with a Terminally Ill Parent Don’t’s
Don’t feel guilty talking about your wedding plans.
Remember they are so happy for you and want this to be a joyous time for you. Share your joy about booking your venue, finding your dress, or creating your invites. They want to be included while they can.
Don’t settle your wedding plans to make others happy.
We found ourselves looking at getting married in my parent’s bedroom when we were planning our wedding with a terminally ill parent, just so my dad could be there, but after sitting back and thinking about that option, we realized that wouldn’t make any of us happy. As much as we wanted him there, that wouldn’t be the wedding he would want us to have, nor the wedding we want to have. You are still allowed to be selfish at this moment. It is still you and your partner’s day.
Don’t mourn something that hasn’t passed yet
Going into wedding planning after my fiance proposed, I knew there was a possibility I wouldn’t be able to have those special moments a bride and father typically have on this day. However, I did still hope which is why we ended up planning a wedding in a month. With terminally ill parents, I found it’s important to hang onto the moments you do have more than mourn and worry if moments you want to happen do not.
Don’t forget to include them, even if they aren’t there.
There are a lot of ways your loved ones can be involved on your wedding day, even if they cannot physically be there. Take the time to have them record a message you can play at your rehearsal dinner or during the toasts. Reserve seating for them to honor their spiritual presence even though, physically they may not be there. Ask them how they would like to be remembered/honored at the wedding.
Our wedding was filled with so much sorrow and joy all at the same time, but isn’t that how weddings work? They are the closing of one door of life and the opening of another.
